Sexi Squidward fall

Friends Only - say wha?!

Well some unfortunate people in my life have forced me to make this site friends only. It sucks when evil people have to ruin everything.

All them Spongebob's in life always making life suck. Just stay out there looking on the outside cause baby, it's cold outside where you're looking in from.

Sorry I suck at being clever tonight

also most people I add on here are from ONTD because that's why I use LJ...I love ONTD
So if you are not a member of ONTD and wanna follow this blog, leave me comment here and let me know what's up

The Other Side of the Mirror

     Many people don’t know the person I really am.  Despite never being the best actress, I’ve been able to put a mask on and hide behind the velvet curtain while in public.  I think most people see me as happy, which is unfortunately the opposite.  I haven’t been happy in quite some time and I think it may have started after my 26th birthday.  It was at that point when I noticed I wasn’t happy with the direction of my life.  I’m nowhere near how I envisioned my life to be at this age.  I planned on having a family, a career, and at least living out of my parent’s home.
     I realized recently that I don’t like people.  I don’t like many people in my life and I don’t grasp on to the ones who are genuinely there.  I have a habit of pushing people away.  I started doing this in High School, for good reason, but then continued on doing it to the people who should have remained in my life.
     I don’t connect to people often, which is why some days I feel like I’m Abed from Community.  The lovable yet, broken from reality Abed.  I’m probably even as familiar with pop culture as he is.  There are just moments where I want to fit in but know I’m too awkward to even blend in.  Throughout my early 20’s I didn’t identify with the bar crowd.  I still don’t.  My self-esteem issues that are fueled by some people in my life make me feel awkward when I notice I’m the only large one in the crowd.  I’m not even that large but it’s enough to know that I stand out.
     My self-esteem issues have stemmed since my teens.  I was never taught to be happy with who I was or told that I was perfect just the way I was.  Childhood cartoons and television shows have given me a more positive outlook than people in my life and that thought haunts me.  Do the people in my life care about my happiness or the way people perceive them from the outside by me being around?  It’s an awkward where I feel unwanted.  I’ve been told that friends on the outside lie about my appearance when they say that I look good despite being chubby.  Apparently I’m to believe that all my friends lie to me just to make me feel better.  That’s what I’ve been told so you can understand where my self-esteem lies.
     I’ve made plenty of bad decisions in my life.  I can only hope that failure amounts to something one day.  One quote that has always stood out to me is:

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.” – Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

     I can only hope that I am interesting despite my failure.  I think my late teens to my early 20’s count as my glory days.  Back then I travelled and saw more of the world than I’ve seen in my entire life.  I was fearless and able to hop on a plane, by myself, and make friends instantly.  No matter where I was, I was never alone like I feel I am now.  I would give anything to have those days back but alas, I’m not a child anymore.
     This past year, I began volunteering with the Girl Scouts.  Some days I feel I connect more with those girls than I do with people my own age.  Their lives are so free and full of opportunity and potential; they don’t even care about it.  Do you know what it would mean to me to not have to care?  The happiest I have ever been recently was my night with them at BounceU.  It was the first time in a long time that I could just let go.  We were in a bounce house just being kids.  I, being the adult, was the target of having rubber balls pelted at my face but it was still fun.  It was like being 10 again and not caring who was watching.  It was a magical feeling that won’t be easy to bring back.
    Being an adult takes away a lot of the fun that we had in our youth.  You can’t play house or Barbies’ without feeling silly.  I think this was why I enjoyed drama class in High School.  It was kind of like playing house again.  Everyone could just be silly again without feeling like someone was judging them for it because it was all part of the show.  When I think back to high school this is the class I miss the most.
     In 2009, I was in a short story class where we were told to write a 7 word sentence that would describe you best.  Mine was:

“Reality is not really meant for me.” 

     How true that line is.  I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer.  Going back to the 1st grade, I knew I wasn’t meant for reality.  I would just daze off into my own world where I could be a hero.  I had many imaginary friends whom I could hold on to without anyone seeing.  I wanted so much more than what this life could give.  I remember dazing off in church and putting together ridiculous scenarios on how I had to save Sonic the Hedgehog from the evil Dr. Robotnik.  I remember having an invisible tele-communicator watch so I could contact my stuffed animals from school of the drama going on between them.  This is the part of my imagination that I miss the most.
     Today, that imagination is darker.  It’s harder to access the creative drive of my former self.  Some days, I just sit longing to hear the sound of the TARDIS appear outside my home or work.  Other days it’s the simple dream of winning the lottery.  Any reason or way to escape this life that I live now.  It’s just that last ounce of hope of something amazing happening to turn my sad life around.
     Perhaps financial success isn’t in my future.  I’ve never been a hard worker for school but have taken the time to educate myself on things that interest me.  The internet has opened a wide world of education that previously was unobtainable.  With the amount of time I surf the internet, I’m probably as mentally cultured as a college graduate.  I’ve taken to trying to teach myself new skills from youtube videos to other instructional resources on the internet.  It’s amazing what the internet can do.
     One of the problems I have found with the internet is also endless socializing on different mediums.  Facebook is one, which typically connects you with friends and acquaintances, past and present.  Livejournal/ONTD was my source for conversing about idly gossip in entertainment.  I’ve since distanced myself from that crowd but I come back every now and then.  Reddit has consumed my life which isn’t terrible.  I enjoy being able to socialize on a wider scale.  There’s never just one topic being discussed but thousands of different topics going on at once.  My only problem with all these different mediums is that I find myself more well-liked by my internet persona than my real life persona.  I don’t lie about who I am on the internet, I don’t have anything to really hide.  When I used twitter and tumblr, for a short time, people were messaging me saying how they felt honored that I was following them.  I was confused but it felt good.  I apparently meant something to them which was odd but I felt accepted.  Though, once again, I pulled away from those social mediums.  Despite the minor internet celebrity, I’m still alone.
     Yesterday was my 7 year anniversary with my boyfriend and this is something I should feel proud of.  I try to mask my disappointment through happiness but it’s not fooling everybody.  I love him more than anything, but like my life, it isn’t going anywhere.  Like me, he has no idea what he wants in life.  Unlike me, he actually has things going on in his life.  I fell in love with someone who needed direction and as the relationship grew, I now need that direction and instead I have no one showing me the way.  I just need support or even a beacon to know if holding on is the right option.  Despite all this, he’s the only person who understands me which is why I need him in my life more than anyone.
     I just want, for once, for my life to go as planned.  For me to be able to control my life and control things happening in my life would be great.  I feel like a broken record and a doormat.  I know lacking control is a major component in my depression.  No one hears me.  I can’t even have space in my own home.  And as dumb as it is, it would make me beyond happy to have that stupid treadmill out of my room so I can make room for my things.  I just want to have some control over something in my life.  I want my boyfriend to just do what I ask him without it getting to the point where I’m upset.  I want people to trust my opinions instead of talking down to me like a child.  I just want to be seen as a grown up for once instead of being seen as a child to everyone
     There are days where I feel like just ending it all.  I don’t think I could ever actually do it.  I’ve considered cutting to concentrate my pain on something else but I wouldn’t want to draw people’s attention to me that way.  I don’t like being the center of attention because when all eyes are on me, I can feel the judgment.  My whole life is being judged, if not by me, then by family, coworkers, and “friends”.  If any of my friends notice, I don’t talk about many of my problems because I don’t want to be a bother.  Eventually I hit a point when I open up which is typically around, or near, my breaking point.  I think this is my breaking point.

Thank you for listening/reading.


So way back in August I made a post for a Hanson contest. The contest was basically about spreading the word so I made the post and linked my link thing for the contest and...THANK YOU ONTD!

I won a bunch of awesome nonsense from the band and finally recieved the "personal video" they made for me which is cheesetastic and I love it lol. I wanted to share it with the awesome people who helped me win! <3

yea, my real name is Nicole lol

And all the nonsense I won:

Thank you ONTD for making this possible! <3

Someone Like You

What's the point in having a sister when she doesn't want to spend time with you?

I know she's the Spongebob in my life but she is still my sister. She's been back for break for the past 3 weeks and she returns on Sunday. She's spent one night with me for only an hour. One night I texted her and asked her if she wanted to see the Muppets and she turned me down because she was feeling under the weather. I was like okay, that's fine. A few nights later as I had just packed my things to stay at my boyfriend's for the weekend she suddenly turns to me and mentions how she wanted to stay home and spend time with me. She only mentions this as I'm about to walk out the door. I was rather insulted by this as any time I ask her hours in advance she would turn me down. As I'm about to step out the door is when she "wants" to spend time with me. Well, fuck you.

Tonight I mentioned to her again if she wanted to go see the Muppets and now her tune changes. Now she doesn't like "childish" movies and she absolutely hates the sound of cartoon like voices. It's the fucking Muppets. I point out to her that the first episode of The Muppets Show was titled Sex and Violence to identify the Muppets as a seperate entity from Seasme Street. I'm a bit taken aback by her sudden negativity on the subject. So I mention The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. She turns this down and offers me to watch Twilight Eclipse with her at home. She knows I absolutely abhor Twilight. It was kind of a slap in my face. I'm trying to offer her a night out with me and all she wants me to do with her is sit around and watch fucking Twilight? I even offered to pay to take her out because I know she's strapped for cash.

I've noticed that I've been much happier with her living away. I've really found myself and I've been striving to become more cultured. I want to learn more and be able to hold my own in a debate. I've even been studying bits about the bible so I can have a say rather than feeling like I child when I say I have a different belief than someone (aka my sister when she decides to turn on me for being Agnostic and not Catholic/Christian). I'm taking more of an interest on history and peace. I feel like everyone in my family has a problem with me for this but, to be quite honest, I find my family to be uneducated and judgmental. I don't want to be part of this anymore but, they are my family and because of that I do love them. It just sucks when those same people can't give you the time or day.

I don't know why this makes me so upset. My mother compared me to her friend for having a psycho attitude, but is this psycho? Is it psycho to feel battered and beaten?

Also I would like to point out that i don't find my sister's mocking personaility to be funny or her boyfriend making fart sounds at me when I bend over. I feel attacked by her.

"Oh, she's joking," they say. Do I find it funny to feel embarassed about the things I do that she mocks me for? Of course I don't and when I ask her to stop she just laughs more.

My friends pointed out to me the other night how I'm never mad. This is true but, it seems the only person to bring out my fury is my sister so why do I seem to find it a need to spend time with her? I think it's the empathy in knowing that she is my only sister and the fact that I try to live by the lyrics:

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all this pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
And they're gone so fast
So hold on to the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care?

In the end we'll be the only two left in our family. We'll see each other at family functions and try to keep in contact because we are family. To be honest, I don't think we'll be tight in the future. If I'm the only one trying to put some effort into this relationship then what's the sense in trying anymore?
sad keanu

Note to everyone:

Don't work with family.

1. Anything the boss says comes back to you via your dad.

2. Anything wrong you do is then told to your mother.

3. Mother then confronts you at home about your bad habits.

I wish work would stay at work and home could just be relaxing.